The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
A completely valid reaction tbh
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.