My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.