It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
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you gotta be faster
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[shakes fist at other fist]
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Finally! 😈
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions