Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
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5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.