REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.