I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish