[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
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her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Classic German Shepherd 😂
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.