“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Your honor these allegations are
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Not recommended for beginners.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle