*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
How your email finds me
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting