*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Am I having a stroke?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not