The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
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Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
me
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why