Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
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I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.