When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
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After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Ah yes. The three genders
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse