I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
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Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I need a headline like this
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part