There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
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The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Respect