Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now