Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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Why is this me 😫
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
When I laugh on my period
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
⛄️
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by