Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Got him!
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!