If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention