Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
You Might Also Like
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)