His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri