Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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won’t smith
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Terribly Tuesday.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again