Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.