If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”