I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
That was easy.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out