Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
much to think about
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I love wikipedia