Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Watermelon Boss!
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.