[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
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Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Please do it!
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.