I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”