I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
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I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?