Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
🤣🤣🤣
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”