Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
A family that plays together cheats.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Super Hand Dog Face
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.