[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.