Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
somebody come look at this
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.