Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
If you breakdance you buy dance.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.