today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Oh hi lol
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.