Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information