I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
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Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Jurassic park gets weird
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Guys, I found it.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.