Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Breaking news:
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.