me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
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Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
new career option?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
*puts my mental health in rice
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Scream sneezers need love too.
Pass gas, not judgment.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body