There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.