Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.