The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
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Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”