spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados