On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
live long and prosper!
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.