JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*