[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
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I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine