SCARY COSTUME
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Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”