Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
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Bloody internet 😳
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad