I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.